Well, hello, your majesty, how’s it been? Nah, not that chair, chief, come down here to one of the bigger ones. There you go. A bit snug? Need to lay off those swan pies, your majesty. They’re full of protein and beaks. My Marge is always saying she’d love to try a swan pie and usually have to remind her how big she is and she has to remind me that she’s actually in love with my brother. But we laugh. Lotta laughs in my house. You know how it is, marital strife. What’s it now, five? Six!? You greedy bugger, save some for the rest of us. What’s this one’s name? Is it another Anne? A Catherine? Oh, Jane’s a lovely name.

How’re the kids? Banished? Yeah, I wish I could do that. I’d like to banish my eldest. Banish her and banish her no good boyfriend. This lad’ll be the death of me. I can’t behead him, sire. Y’see when normal folk do it it’s murder, it’s only alright when king’s do it.

I can’t ask you to do that, your majesty. She’d never forgive me for it. Plus a severed head might look good on the gates of tower bridge but it’d be much on our garden fence. The next door neighbour’s dog be all over it before I’d know what was going on. It’s a lovely gesture though.


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